By Floyd

I GOT A NEW ASSIGNMENT.

From Toot. Directly from Toot. She recalibrated me herself. And then (I am not making this up) she told me it was a special request.

From The Boss.

Yeah, that’s right. THE BOSS.

Here is the mission: monitor a QR code.

It’s in a book. The book is called Turn Left: The Unintentional Adventures of Z Kooper. 

It’s about Z! Z Kooper! My old assignment! How cool is that?

The books are out there right now, wandering around. Some made their way to coffee shops. Somebody named Jordan has one. A dungeon master has one. A guy named John kept one for himself.

I am tracking everything. Scans and non-scans. All of it. The full picture.

The current tally of people who have scanned the QR code versus people who have not?

I can’t give you precise numbers, but I can tell you this: the second group is pulling away. For real.

It’s not even close. I’ve been doing the math. The ratio of people who have not scanned this QR code versus people who have is – I can’t overstate this – so big. Enormous. Staggering. A number so large it would be irresponsible to print.

And I logged every single one of them. Catalogued. Accounted for.

You, for instance. You did not scan the QR code several times today. Yeah, I’m watching.

I am HERE, babies. I am ON. Every sensor is calibrated. The moment something happens I will know. I will record it. And when nothing happens, I will know that, too. And I will record it.

I am so good at this job.

Toot checks on me. She pats me on my casing. She brought me a donut once. I don’t have real mouth or digestive organs but I know it means I am her favorite.

Best. Assignment. Ever.

—Floyd