As Applicable to Z Kooper
[Effective Retroactively. Sorry About That.]
By The Universe
SECTION 1 — GENERAL EXISTENCE
By continuing to exist, you (“Z Kooper,” “the Party of the First Part,” “our guy”) agree to all terms herein, including those you haven’t read, can’t remember reading, and will forget entirely by morning.
Non-compliance is not an option, as you lack the dimensional standing to opt out. We appreciate (but do not require) your understanding.
SECTION 2 — TIMELINE OBLIGATIONS
Z Kooper agrees to stumble, meander, and occasionally stagger through the fabric of time and space without a plan, an itinerary or a clean shirt, in service of restoring order to a timeline that was, frankly, doing fine before a certain pair of idiots tinkered with a dice game in Vjargsfell. You know who you are.
The Universe reserves the right to tap Z Kooper on the shoulder at any point, including but not limited to: absolutely any damn moment it pleases.
SECTION 3 — MEMORY PROVISIONS
Z Kooper’s memories are the exclusive property of the timeline and may be temporarily withheld, revoked, scrambled, deep-sixed, or popped back in without prior notice.
Memories of Boo will be retained in a sealed jar on a high shelf, just out of reach. Also, the jar is painted black.
SECTION 4 — GURNEY POE
A guide has been assigned. He will be unhelpful in ways that are ultimately helpful. He will answer your questions with other questions, change clothes at pivotal moments and occasionally wear a sombrero or Viking helmet. This is not a glitch in your perception. This is simply Gurney Poe.
You may not request a different guide.
SECTION 5 — EXTRAORDINARY COMPETENCE
Z Kooper’s skills are archived, seemingly haphazardly. But what appears to be amnesia is, in fact, the universe’s most efficient filing system, dispensing exactly what’s needed to exactly the right pair of hands at exactly the right moment. Z never knows what’s coming. The Universe always does.
The archive is, by any measure, spectacular. Twelve centuries of reboots have left Z with mad skills in, among other things: world-class cooking; natural-born performing in the Jagger/Jones/Sinatra/Pickett tradition; damn fine barbering; sleight of hand, world-class bartending, tailoring, grifting, salesmanship and a genuine charm that has disarmed wary coders, carnival giants, grocers, and at least one stone-cold mission administrator who does not disarm easily.
He has also been a soldier. By all accounts, he was the worst.
SECTION 6 — EMOTIONAL CORE
Z Kooper will, at all times, carry within him a warmth sufficient to heat a dining tent in a field somewhere in the middle of nowhere at suppertime. He will share it freely and without condition.
This is not optional.
This is, in fact, the whole point.
SECTION 7 — AMENDMENTS
The Universe reserves the right to amend these terms at any time, from any time. Previous versions of these terms may or may not have existed. What’s done is done. Most likely it hasn’t happened yet.
Sign it. Or don’t. Whichever. Simply by being Z Kooper, you automatically acknowledge acceptance of all terms above. Questions may be directed to whomever you choose, for all the good it will do you. Please allow 3-5 business eternities for a reply.
Witnessed: Gurney Poe, deuteragonist
Notarized: Myron Fahler & Glibbit, Attorneys at Temporal Law and Catering
